One interesting thing I learned… if astrology was ever accurate, it hasn’t been since about 900 BC.  That was the last time the dates matched the symbols of the zodiac.  Maybe that’s why it’s faulty, who knows?  All of that stuff they have been talking about recently, with the “new” sign and the internet excitement, that was pretty much the way it was in 1500 AD too.  Some psychic or somebody needs to get on the case and make astrology work.  Not me, but someone who gives a shit.  Preferably someone so enthralled with the celestial that they won’t fall asleep every time they sit in a planetarium.

I’ve heard the Dale Carnegie people talk about how it’s better to find ways to remember the person to make it easier to remember their name.  I don’t know the names of any of my classmates, the early hour has made us a room of antisocial zombies, but I do know the people.

Here is a run down of my classmates:

1. The Dungeon Master -my professor.  (You just know he plays D&D.)
2. Cliff from Cheers
3.  Mama – she brings along her son who looks college age.  He drinks coffee and plays iPad.
4. Ghost World – The hair, glasses, style, and figure of Thora Birch in that film.
5. Estrada – Middle-aged guy that favors a certain motorcycle cop.
6. Can You Hear Me Now?
7. The Lonely Black Girl – the only African-American in the class.
8. Twilight – A precise Robert Pattison haircut. (Not a Hollywood face, though.)
9. Possession Charge
10. “But what if…” guy.  Bowling shirt, glasses, and new theories.
11. Pajamas – Just because she is wearing a hoodie and a ball cap, doesn’t mean we can’t tell what’s in underneath.
12. Facepalm – A guy who doesn’t seem to believe anything the professor says.  He smiles and, well, you get it.
13. Army – The only thing more obvious than the fact that he is on the G.I. Bill is the shit he does not give about showing up.
14. Sleeping Ugly – the guy in his thirties snoring in the planetarium…. I guess I know his name.

Today is one of those days where I kept feeling witty, but no one else seemed to get it.  I came up with a great foreign language joke, that will take to long to explain, and you probably won’t get it if you don’t know the language… but to those that do speak the language (to whom I told said joke), it fell flat.

Next, a friend posted on Facebook about how much he hated bullies.  We’d just exchanged comments on a Dan Savage article two days before, so I said “it gets better.”  Really, it’s not funny when I have to explain it like this, but in the context, I thought I had a slam dunk.  It too fell flat.

I also had an excellent set-up for a Michael Vick joke.  This was a bit riskier, so I was not surprised when it fell flat.

Just about five minutes ago, I had the opportunity for an inside joke with a friend.  I effortlessly made a joke about something I just knew we would both find funny.  Crickets.

Sometimes I should really just shut the hell up, not make jokes, and mind my own business.  Can some astrologer tell me if there is some kind of retrograde something or other that is making my communication ineffective?

Sigh.

For most of this walk I looked at my shoes.

This kind of thing is sick, but what is worse is the way people rush to place blame on  the other party or group or whomever they can as fast as they can.  I consider myself a realist, so I don’t actually blame Sarah Palin in this case, because judging from all the rest of the information it appears he wasn’t as much of a right-wing nut as he was an almost 1960′s style Weather Underground-ish nut, at least according to his reading material.*

(*And for a quick aside – people that think books don’t matter should consider that what people are reading is one of the first things investigators look at when someone does something off the wall.  So next time someone judges you for being thirty-seven and reading Harry Potter or Twilight, realize that professionals would be taking that into consideration too.  It’s not that shallow.)

Here are things that can’t be denied, Gifford had taken a lot of heat for voting for the health care bill.  Sarah Palin did put cross-hairs on her state and listed her by name as someone to be take a stand against.  It doesn’t take a dummy to understand what that means, and Sarah Palin should have been noted a classless moron long before now.  Fox News should apologize for intentionally trying to scare the hell out of people, which everyone but my grandmother seems to be aware that is their modus operandi.   Neither of them will apologize unless public outcry makes them feel obligated to, but who cares if they do?  Anyone forced to apologize doesn’t feel bad.

Things I think we should remember:

1. Sarah Palin was in the wrong, no matter what caused the attack.  You can have a following of people that ignorant and expect them to metaphorically comprehend that message.

2. Remember that there is such a thing as crazy people.  They’ve existed throughout eternity.  ”That’s just what they want you to think,” they might tell you.  Are we so divided by party lines, that even crazies have to choose a side?

3. You might hear that this is a conspiracy to take your guns.  Let me assure you, this is not true.  I watched first hand over the holidays as two men bought handguns and ammo legally in less than five minutes.  Tighter gun control is a good thing, but it scares people to hear it said.  I’m not anti-gun.  I have owned many guns during my lifetime, but I have never enjoyed the arguments of the NRA.  I don’t understand the connection, but most of the time those really into guns really have issues with taxes.

4. If a Muslim American were to have made that same art work as Sarah Palin, they would be chained wrist to ankle, drinking a little board water in Guantanamo Bay right now.  I don’t support that course of action, but Sarah Palin does.

I think it was Joe Rogan who said watching politics is like watching pro-wrestling.

He’s not far off, but these loons don’t hit with chairs.

In December, one of my professors said that the building we were in was infested with the blood-sucking monsters and even though the administration had told him to keep quiet, he felt it was unethical not to warn us.  These bugs have been on my mind a lot since then.

A few interesting things I’ve found out about them:

1. They can live for a year without eating, so no hope in starving them out.
2. Most poisons are ineffective.
3. They are attracted by heat and carbon dioxide – two things our bodies constantly exude.
4. They carry enough blood, you can be identified by forensic teams from a bug.
5. And the scariest of all: When bed bugs breed, the male creates a make-shift female receptor by stabbing a hole (with his sharp member) into the females chest and depositing his seed in the wound.

If the stab-fucking, or the technical term “traumatic insemination”, isn’t a great time to break out the over-used adjective “Lovecraftian”, then I don’t know what is.

There is always some scare of a species going extinct.  It’s never the ones that you hope.

The beauty of Mark Twain’s novel The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn other than its amazing storytelling is its take on the situation of racism and slavery in the case of Nigger Jim. Of course, it’s widely debated whether or not the book is racist or not, in the case of the new version it is irrelevant – they are changing history.

Why is the word “nigger” offensive? Because it stands as a reminder of that era in time, when the black man was in bondage, when they were treated as less than citizens, when the novel The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn takes place!

Most Americans believe in the concept of free speech, but no matter how you slice it, this is censorship. Running from the past gets you nowhere. Acceptance of the past allows growth.

For the record, I do not think Twain’s book is racist. I think it even lampoons racism to a degree, and by many standards, Mark Twain was a very progressive writer.

America's Banned Author

For the time being, I’m working on a new version of Huckleberry Finn that won’t offend anyone. No bad language, and Jim won’t even be a slave. Also neither will the two of them be on the run, because the implied criminal element is also racist. The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn can no longer be the title because it doesn’t give equal focus to his traveling partner. I shall call it Uncle Jim and Huck Go On Vacation.

James Joyce

Got a copy of James Joyce’s Finnegans Wake for Christmas. I’m going to try to read it Tom Robbins style, although I would prefer to read it Robert Anton Wilson style with a group of people taking turns reading it aloud while drinking copious amounts of Guinness. I don’t even know how to find a group of people who want to read James Joyce aloud, I barely know anyone who reads James Joyce. Wish me luck.

The cream of the political crop.

By my estimation, we haven’t had a President who has even pretended to care about the people since Jimmy Carter. Reagan, Bush I, Clinton, Bush II, and Obama have all been disasters and now the nation is feeling it. “Someone has to do something,” is being said through the collective mind of the country. I know I’ve thought it. The popularity of the Tea Party swings upon guarding personal money from the greedy hands of the government, while trying to distance themselves from Bush and the mess he made. Those people find folks like Christine O’Donnell to head up their organization. Without going into her dabbling with witchcraft and anti-masturbation stance, there is still more to be amazed by. The following video is astonishing, but the clincher is around 2:48 when she asks “Where in the Constitution is the separation of church and state?” And the rest of video continues the insanity. After seeing this, if one votes for her, it should only be by pressing the wrong button or a practical joke on the nation.

Next is Jimmy McMillan, self-proclaimed karate expert and Rent is Too Damn High Party candidate. He may be the sanest of the bunch. His heart seems to be in the right place, but his methods seem a little mad. But maybe that is what it takes these days. And the nation has already elected a black President with a Muslim last name, surely they wouldn’t oppose a black man with an Irish last name and facial hair that looks like a cross between Martin Van Buren and William Taft. And no one in New York is going to argue… the rent is too damn high!

And last but not least, is the Tennessean who is making national news -Basil Marceaux. I’m not sure he is quite mentally stable, and it appears he does have a wrap sheet, but let’s not split hairs… other politicians have made mistakes and gotten the blemishes on their record removed. Marceaux is a man of the people – he doesn’t have lawyer buddies and friends in high places to fix things up for him. (Unless Jimmy Kimmel has some pull.) He doesn’t take campaign donations, and I think he may be onto something there. He has some strange views -like making guns mandatory- but he seems to care. It’s easy to tell from the video that started it all…

There is a shift of sanity that is going to turn into a major slide in the very near future. I think we all smell it, and don’t know how to react. If the crazies in politics are any barometer to the political climate of the nation, things are about to get weird.

I can’t wait to watch.

I don't think this looks pretty to anyone

The real problem that lies with those who are against it lies in the thought of a carbon tax. This carbon tax is a bad idea. For one, it let’s people such as Al Gore get incredibly rich on something that is incredibly hard to measure: An individual’s carbon footprint. In order to calculate, one would have to know where and how far I drive, what products I consume, the amount of trash I leave behind, how much I recycle, etc. Even with all of that information (which I consider an invasion of my privacy) at this point no scientist has given a proper way to calculate how to offset these things.

Climategate has not helped the credibility of the possibility at all. It makes it seem much more like a sham than it ever did. I’m not sold on the phenomenon being completely real and I can’t seem to get any unbiased information on the matter, which frustrates me to no end. NPR reported today that whether or not people believe in climate change strongly correlates with their own political and worldview. This cannot be good, but that is the way most political arguments go.

I really don’t expect anyone to do anything about this situation on either side but bitch. (The average citizen, I mean, not the government. Who knows what they will do?) But if you feel driven to do something, here are some suggestions:

1. Drive fuel efficient cars. I cannot see why anyone would have a problem with this. It saves the driver money, a little less smog in your city, less dependence on foreign oil -which all these wars seem to be about whether or not we want to admit it.

2. Write your congressman. Oppose a carbon tax, oppose nuclear energy because of it’s long term pollution, and support environmental bills that aren’t too damn wacky. I mean, if they want to give alligators a district in the House of Representatives and voting cards, it’s bullshit. If they propose to create a park or clean up a local waterway, then I would suggest supporting it.

3. Find out more about solar and wind energy. I know that someone will be making money on that too, but I would be willing to wager those folks are a lot more decent than your average oil baron.

I think, in my own humble opinion, that we need to try for a compromise. We don’t need a ridiculous carbon tax, but we do need to keep the earth livable for as many people as possible. I seriously think this is an attitude that both sides can get behind. Both paradigms of politics in the U.S. have children, and what kind of parent wants their children and grandchildren to live in a shit-hole?

As for the truth or lie of actual climate change, let the scientists sort it out. We should make the environment as clean and livable as possible with or without climate change. The fact of the matter remains, as Penn & Teller pointed out in Bullshit , which is -unless you’re a scientist, you have no idea other than what you’ve been told. I likewise, have no background in environmental science, and have no idea. I do know that I enjoy drinking clean water and breathing clean air. If we can focus on the environmental parts we all can agree on, the others might not be such a problem or “crisis” as much as we keep hearing they are.

They advertise “Freedom from Hangovers” and the wording is important, because being confined to a bed, or worse -a toilet, doesn’t leave you able to do the things that you really want to do.

“C’mon, let’s go to brunch!” I hear a soft voice ask me.

“NOooo!” I respond before throwing a pillow over my head.

We’ve all been there.

I sometimes like having a hangover. I think there is definately a time and place where nothing is better than spending a lazy Sunday watching old Westerns, or whatever she wants to watch, if there is a she around. There are also the Sundays when you have places to go.

But we all know what’s really bad is when there are those Wednesdays or Thursdays when you really have shit to do. This is where the alertness required of your job comes into play, if you have that kind of job. I worked at a call center for a couple of years that was my ear put up to a cup against the wall of a screaming bitch-fest. That is no job you want to have all of your wits about you to complete. There, I not only could stand being hungover, I preferred it. I would start to feel like a champ right about time the day was over.

Now, I’m pursuing a different route. Taking hangover prevention pills. Could it be that easy? Maybe the government is trying to keep this pills a secret because of the amazing effects.

Is it possible that two four packs of these miracle cures could make a life of alcoholism as easy as a transition to a new pair of glasses? “Why YES! Everything is much clearer now, Doctor!”

These pills are “Clinically proven effective” and the small print does say that the FDA does not agree with these findings. Then again, the last time I checked, the FDA didn’t have the best track record. You can find millions who believe in the immune system effects of Echinacea but not the FDA. “Vitamin C? Not enough evidence. Inconclusive.”

The Food and Drug Administration doesn’t seem to be into anything that you won’t stay on forever. Something that treats the problem and cures it, is not like hooking someone on some old bullshit for the rest of their life. I read somewhere that bacterial infections are supposed to begin killing people in droves. Not because we can’t produce them, just that there is no money in it for the pharmaceutical world, if they create something that cure an illness that people won’t need cured from again. For that reason, most scientists are focusing on getting rich, while avoiding fame. Jonas Salk was “appalled at the demands on the public figure he has become and resentful of what he considers to be the invasion of his privacy,” wrote the New York Times, a few months after his vaccine announcement. So I guess that ended the days of creating cures as most scientists looked at the work of a genius as a tragic tale of unwanted fame.

I took the pills as directed, which was two before you have your first drink, and then one more every four hours you feel the effects. It also suggested to keep hydrated with water between drinks. That I also did.

The rest of the time I just went about my drunk ol’ business, remembering now and then to have some water and take another pill. Annoying, certainly… but if it works, it’ll all be worth it.

The results are mixed. I drank quite a bit of gin, and again, awful gin… cheap, disgusting, awful gin.

The times I drank the gin before were followed by mornings of bitter regret. Regret for drinking the gin, regret for being born, and virtually all forms of regret you can have or create.

This morning was different. While I was more tired than normal, there was no headache. I was not as dehydrated as a normal day would result, because I had drank five or so glasses of water through the evening, as directed.

I even did a little work that morning. Even though I work from home, I could have easily not logged in to my job. (Though recently being logged in or out has not proved to be much of a difference.)

In short, yes I think they have merit. Yet, they are not a miracle cure and certainly the glasses of water in between drinks has it’s benefits as well. All and all, being that I punished myself with the worst gin that is fit for human consumption and woke up the next day in decent spirits, feeling good enough to do things other than moan and watch television, this is a good sign. I even took a walk in the hot sun. Who wants to do that when they are hungover?

This may be psychosomatic, but if so, that works for me.